A Brown Girl's Tips To Make Your Relationship With Your Mother Better

As brown girls, our relationship with our mother is a complicated one. Their life experience and how they were raised is very different from ours. Just the jump in technology has made our world starkly different than theirs. Even our values and what we consider important in life are completely different from our mothers. 

All these things can cause a lot of rifts, fights, and disagreements with your mother. She wants you to live your life a certain way and you have your own plan for your life. I know, I’ve been there. 
After a lot of fights and arguments and me moving out and living alone {it’s a bizarre thing to do being 1) an unmarried 
girl, and 2), in a tiny place like Bahrain} and then moving back in with my parents, I think I’ve finally cracked the code to my relationship with my mother. Today I can truthfully say that I love living with my parents and I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. We fight and have our differences, sure, but we get along like the very cliched best friends. I cannot imagine my life without talking to her every day. 

Because of this, I firmly believe that you should do whatever it takes to get your relationship right with your mother. Whether that’s making a change in how you communicate with her or trying to understand her better, or even moving out and living on your own. {Sometimes the best way to love your family is from a distance.} 

I see a lot of my girlfriends struggling with the exact same issues I had with my mother, and on occasion, I have given them advice on how to solve those problems. It worked and helped them smooth tensions with their moms. One of my girlfriends specifically asked me to write this blog post so other women can read it and it would hopefully help them in their relationship with their mother. 

It goes without saying that if your mother or parents are abusive, by all means, walk away. This post is not for you. 

Before I begin, let me make the purpose clear of why I think you need to do this- why you need to make things better with your mom, or your parents for that matter. Because they’re not going to be around forever. And when that happens, you’ll regret that you didn’t put in more effort to make things better with them. You’ll regret you didn’t show them how much you love them. 

Tips on how you can make your relationship with your mother a better one:

  • Keep the intention in mind. All the nagging and fighting usually comes from a place of love and protecting you, which we often overlook. Your mother’s intention is to make sure you’re happy and that you’re not setting yourself up for hurt. If you always keep this in mind, you’ll be more patient with her.

  • Understand that she needs your attention and love. When she's getting irritated with you or nagging you, give her a hug and tell her how much you love her. It will help calm her and make her feel loved.
  • Appreciate her. Mothers are the most under-appreciated beings on earth. They do so much for us, whether we live with them or not. Whenever my mother makes breakfast or does something for me, I make it a point to appreciate it by saying something like, “thank you for making breakfast for me today”. It can make such a big difference to your relationship.

  • Keep her in the loop about your life. We often unknowingly shut our mothers out of our lives. Tell her about what’s worrying you, what you’re looking forward to at work, show her which dress you want to buy. You don’t have to completely involve her in your life, but telling her what’s going on will make her feel like she’s a part of it {which she should always be}. 

  • Make her laugh. I love making my mother laugh. Whether it’s by doing something silly or by telling her a funny anecdote or making fun of her. She needs that lightness in her very busy and stressful life. 
  • Take her out. If your mom is anything like mine, all she does is work, work, work. She does the chores at home, she works at our shop. It’s non-stop. And even though she drives, she’ll never go anywhere by herself. As a daughter, one of the best things you can do for your mom is to take her out to different places or even on holiday. It makes for great mother-daughter bonding time. I’ve taken my mom on holidays and I’ve seen such a fun, carefree side to her that I have never seen before. So take her out on the weekends. Go for a movie with her. Take her to the mall. 

  • Make her do self-care. Our moms will never do anything nice for themselves, by themselves. They’re always worrying about us and their husbands. In fact, worrying is their no.1 job. So it’s up to you to make her do something nice for herself. Make a face mask for her, force her to sit down and take a break, treat her to a massage. Just make sure she relaxes. 

  • Ask her advice. Your mother has seen so much more of the world than you have. She has a lot of experience, especially with people, because of having to deal with all the various relations around her. But most importantly, no one will ever know you the way your mother does. Ask her for her advice on situations in your life. You might not like her suggestions at times, but I've found that my mother has always been right about how I feel or how a person or a situation in my life can hurt me. Or she shows me an angle to my problem that I didn’t see and it really helps me solve the problem or see the situation in a different light. Asking your mother her advice will make her feel needed, which brings me to my last point-
  • Make her feel needed. No matter what you do, never make your mother feel unneeded. We tend to think that becoming independent women means not needing our mothers anymore and making sure they know it. This is the biggest pain point for a mother. Because no matter how old you get, it’s always wonderful for her to know that you’ll always need her. So ask her advice, ask you to help her, call her when you’re sick and ask her to baby you. Show her how important she is in your life even though you’re all grown up now. {Don’t be a drama queen and create drama just to get her attention, obvs.}

If you’ve noticed, most of my advice is on how to make your mother feel better about herself and relaxed. Only as daughters, we can understand our mother and her struggles. If she feels good about herself, it will automatically improve your relationship with her. 

Also, every relationship is unique and maybe these points won’t apply to yours. Like I said before, I only speak from my own experience. But hopefully, these tips will help you not just realize the importance of having a great relationship with your mother, but also improve your mother-daughter bond. 

P.S: This post has been read by my mother before posting and she wholeheartedly approves the points written above. 

           Top and Skirt: Saji's Couture, Earrings: from India, Shoes: New Look, Location courtesy: The Woods Cafe. Photos: Ancita Sherel

What other tips would you offer to make your relationship with your mother better?
Leave a comment below!

Until next time

Shabana Feroze

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